my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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