I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
