Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The Olympian is in my bed
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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