I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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