I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
