Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
