Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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