I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
