My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
