Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
