i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
