i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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