her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
