I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
