just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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