He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dick very happy bro
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
