If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize