We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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