dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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