this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im six kinds of drunk right now
there was a trapeze. enough said
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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