I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
