i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Four minutes until I can fart!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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