i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
