Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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