he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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