matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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