i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
