I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
