i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
