you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
