it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
