I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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