I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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