if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
