So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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