I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
