Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
