the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
