My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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