Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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