So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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