I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i barfeds in our rink
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
