What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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