I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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