You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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