Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
