new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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