Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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