Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
