I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
