We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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