paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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