I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
